Oct. 26th, 2012

levity: (evening stretched out against the sky)
The brother brought home crickets from Tiendesitas and it's raining to- well, to fill the ice cream container under the leak in our living room twice over. Crickets! At home in Calasiao every time the rainy season came about the pools overflowed and frogs laid eggs everywhere water accumulated and the whole back wall outside the kitchen porch was filled with crickets, grasshoppers, insects all sorts that sing. There was a time I had to check under my bed for snakes looking for a cool dry place to stay. In the summers monitor lizards went sunbathing on the pool steps and the dogs just dove in. An owl once went through my bedroom window. An inordinate amount of my animal words are in Pangalatok, considering how little I know of the lanuage; to this day I am still amused by the word for mice.

I have animal words in Pangalatok, and I never learned it and I never learned Ilocano either but sometimes they come out in my words anyway, at home, when I'm not listening for them. I meant to write something along those lines a long time ago, when I read that Elaine Castillo article from a few months back, and then again when [livejournal.com profile] cornerflag came out and every story there was like something out of my id, language and land and all the people who've swept through it and tried to marry themselves to the soil, and all the people who will never be able to leave it. The bits of identity you carry with you even though sometimes all it means is that you miss things.

I am tired! I am so tired! I am tired of listnening to the rain and being unable to calm the reflexive urge to offer to start moving things to the second floor, I am tired of not being able to write things anymore, I am tired of having football be the only thing I can ever talk about. What the hell, we're all tired, that's why the fuck we're on LJ. Ignore the fact that I don't know how to generate content outside of fifty thousand different variations on "AAAARSENAAAAL", because it's repetitive, sure, but it's real. I can wail about Arsenal all I like but at least I won't be sick of hearing my voice halfway through my sentence.

I am tired and everything feels like work and I want to spend this sem break sleeping, at the very least, not playing Text Twist at four in the morning in an attempt to make my brain shut up and shut off, not circling around the fact that I am now pretty much A Reaction To That Guy I Fell In Love With, and not being utterly disgusted at how many times I use the word "I", because contrary to popular belief, I am not actually a Salinger character. Okay, no one will believe that, but I don't want to be one anymore. I like not having the courage to be an absolute nobody! Can I just have, like, the requisite mental stability?

Never you mind. The Giants won the first game of the World Series and their Panda got three runs in a game so he's the second non-Yankee to do so! And Santi Cazorla exists! Is there anyone who doesn't like him? If there is, don't ever let me know of their existence.


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