levity: (beauty is a hint of storm)
I HATE YOU, RENAL. I HATE YOU. I am missing the match between the top two teams in La Liga for you, because I have to turn in this stupid handwritten paper tomorrow and also have to sleep. I know I always say that I'll sleep when I'm dead, but short list of things that change that: 1. five months of terrible insomnia, and 2. FOUR MONTHS OF UNBEARABLE TWITCHING MENTAL-INSTABILITY-INDUCING INSOMNIA. Also, 3. med school. I mean, screw you, renal. The other team isn't even Real Madrid.

Also an incidental fuck you to everyone who says that to be a doctor you have to be able to not let your patients hang over you after work or something like that, because apparently there is no difference between not letting emotional ties get in the way of making decisions re: the patient's health and not caring about the patient at all. I would say "not caring about the patient beyond work" but just because it's work doesn't mean it's not personal, etc., etc., and just because it's personal doesn't mean it's important, and obviously I have a lot of feelings for The Hour that are tied up into this thought, but I have a paper. So, just, fuck you.
levity: (bring it)
Seriously, guys. Some people do not sexual attraction! Some people just don't want to have sex at all! It's a thing called asexuality! It's not the same as decreased libido, which is a chemical thing, and it's not a disorder that needs to be fixed. And yes, sometimes people feel like it means there's something wrong with them, but maybe you have to look at what the rest of the world is telling them is right and normal! And why did it come up specifically for females?

Here I thought med meant less stereotype and more science. Ahahahaha.

(This is not directed at anyone, I am just annoyed.)
levity: (Jolteon and Togepi)
The OB Ward is a wonderful place. I do not want to write more, for fear of turning it into Literature- I think I am paraphrasing someone, but I do not know who, someone tell me lest I Tito Sotto- for taking some part of someone else's life and reading symbolism and meaning into it, or worse, making it about me, and I have a phobia of birth, okay, and no illusions about the ward's usual state, and the kind of life our typical OB patient's going to be born into- anyone's going to be born into- and I am going to cut this off now, but we watched a mother give birth, and the OB Ward is a beautiful place.
levity: (bring it)
Apparently I go to a medical school whose students are incapable of grasping the fact that their first duty as a doctor is to their patient. Not to the patient's family, not to the patient's legacy, not to what they've deluded themselves into believing that the patient really wants, but to the patient. Maybe this is a difficult thing to comprehend, but whatever. Congratulations, Philippines' best and brightest.
levity: (Default)
Can I just not have a uterus? It's not like I'm planning to do anything with it anyway.

On the bright side, I'm not apt to forget anything about dysmenorrhea during tomorrow's exam.
levity: (evening stretched out against the sky)
Because you brought home a college application form one afternoon in 2008 and your mother said that if there was even the slighest chance that you might want to be a doctor in the future, you ought to check the box. You were sixteen years old and directionless; it wasn't even really a question. Because you checked the box, and six months later you got a call. Then again, isn't that how all stories start?

Because you never managed to rid yourself of the idea that if you had a talent and an education you followed the talent, but if all you had was the education, then you went into medicine. Because if you wanted to consider switching career paths altogether, you should have done it before letting your academics go down the toilet in a two-year-long bender worthy of all the mental health cliches the media has to offer.

Because paying for your take-out pasta at the grocery the cashier asked you and your roommates if you were studying to be doctors, and you said yes, and she smiled and said that the Philippines needed more doctors; because sometimes you need validation from strangers that you're not just working towards an ideal that not only never existed but that was also never valid except as an exercise in self-congratulatory guilt-prevention measures. Because your parents are the classic ivory-tower academics who deal in policy and practice without ever getting to see the people the policies are being made for, and someone in the family had to do something pragmatic. Because there's nothing noble in the profession of medicine, any more than there is anything noble in any other profession that helps make the world go round, and you're sick to what passes for your soul of all the idiots who delude themselves into believing otherwise. Because you don't know what's worse- that your classmates actually buy into the embarrassing but sacred Hippocratic bullshit business, or that they don't. Because in many ways doctors are like superheroes are like politicians- the people who want the job should be, by definition, the people who should never get it, unless the alternative is the people who believe they were born for it. Because it's a lot like plugging holes in a sinking ship, and then you go on med missions for people who really need them and it's not like plugging holes in a sinking ship at all.

Because when you were picking through your library's journal archives shopping for a third-year research project cancer called your name, like the perfect pair of shoes in a shop window, and, and.

Because love is for children and you don't know how to do happiness without looking over your figurative shoulder for the screaming need to walk off of the roof of a convenient building that you have never lived without, and besides you wouldn't know what to do with either anyway, but work is something you can set store by, always. Because, contrary to your usual, you can imagine yourself doing something else for the rest of your life, and it wouldn't be a gaping hole inside of you. Because when two roads diverge in a yellow whatever, who the hell's to tell you you can't take both?

Because you're never going to be great and you're never going to be good, but you can always do something useful.
levity: (daydream team)
HOLY CARP APPARENTLY THE REAL ABBE FARIA DIDN'T DIE OF A CATALEPTIC SEIZURE SOMEWHERE WITHIN THE BOWELS OF THE CHATEAU D'IF. HOLY CARP HOW AM I ONLY LEARNING THIS NOW.

(This of course begs the question, Who did? Because Edmond Dantes had to have gotten out somehow- Oh, wait.)

AND HOLY CARP APPARENTLY ABBE FARIA PIONEERED THE FORERUNNER TO INCEPTION REAL LIFE IS THE BEST THING.

I'm not even going to wonder why this is my life anymore. Theoretical cardio is kind of like physics with a heart (there is no punch line), but practicals always suck. Augh.
levity: (daydream team)
That moment when your review of related literature begins with:

Urinary tract infections (UTIs) are infections in the urinary tract.


Research, how I love you so.
levity: (costume party)
From our lecture notes: "M. leprae cannot be grown in culture but can be grown in the armadillo."

Sometimes I love everything patho chooses to be.
levity: (humans need fantasy to be human)
Can you imagine the Premier League without Dider Drogba? I can't.

---

Took 204 removals, passed 204 removals, end of. The parents bought us drive-through Starbucks to celebrate, which: DRIVE-THROUGH STARBUCKS. MOST WONDERFUL THING EVER CREATED. Sorry walang Starbucks sa bundok namin. For the first decade-and-a-bit of my life the most convenient Starbucks was in Luisita in Tarlac, two-plus hours away from home, so forgive if sometimes the presence of a Starbucks seems to me to be the most amazing thing.

---

Watched Hogfather for the first time, completely out of season. It was on TV. If I were to pick a Discworld book to adapt to film, it wouldn't be Hogfather, simply because I'd have no idea where, and how, to start. They managed to pull off DEATH and Susan and- albeit to a lesser extent- Jonathan Teatime (it's pronouced Te-ah-tim-eh), which are the important parts, and Hex, which is not so much but is a very amusing bonus. At the end of the humans need fantasy to be human, to be the place where the falling angel mettes the rising ape exchange, Susan says, "But people have got to believe in those, or otherwise what's the point?" and instead of saying MY POINT EXACTLY DEATH skips ahead to YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IN THINGS THAT AREN'T TRUE. OTHERWISE, HOW CAN THEY BECOME? and it should not have worked, it should have been too heavy-handed to work, especially in film, but it did, so I am happy.

---

Also also how come no one ever told me that The King is Dead is a completely brilliant album, the perfect Decemberist mix of folk rock and guitar-based rock n' roll and narrative songs.
levity: (humans need fantasy to be human)
Can you imagine the Premier League without Dider Drogba? I can't.

---

Took 204 removals, passed 204 removals, end of. The parents bought us drive-through Starbucks to celebrate, which: DRIVE-THROUGH STARBUCKS. MOST WONDERFUL THING EVER CREATED. Sorry walang Starbucks sa bundok namin. For the first decade-and-a-bit of my life the most convenient Starbucks was in Luisita in Tarlac, two-plus hours away from home, so forgive if sometimes the presence of a Starbucks seems to me to be the most amazing thing.

---

Watched Hogfather for the first time, completely out of season. It was on TV. If I were to pick a Discworld book to adapt to film, it wouldn't be Hogfather, simply because I'd have no idea where, and how, to start. They managed to pull off DEATH and Susan and- albeit to a lesser extent- Jonathan Teatime (it's pronouced Te-ah-tim-eh), which are the important parts, and Hex, which is not so much but is a very amusing bonus. At the end of the humans need fantasy to be human, to be the place where the falling angel mettes the rising ape exchange, Susan says, "But people have got to believe in those, or otherwise what's the point?" and instead of saying MY POINT EXACTLY DEATH skips ahead to YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IN THINGS THAT AREN'T TRUE. OTHERWISE, HOW CAN THEY BECOME? and it should not have worked, it should have been too heavy-handed to work, especially in film, but it did, so I am happy.

---

Also also how come no one ever told me that The King is Dead is a completely brilliant album, the perfect Decemberist mix of folk rock and guitar-based rock n' roll and narrative songs.
levity: (daydream team)
I was awake at eight this morning and it felt like a triumph. Never mind that it was because, you know, I didn't sleep at all. Hi insomnia I don't miss you at all.

Things I am supposed to be doing:
1. studying for removals, which, okay, how shit are my choices
2. editing articles for the primer- Sed and Allen, if by any chance you are reading this, I still love you both, no, really, but why did I sign up for this again? (This is my reaction to everything I have signed up for within the past year, including but not limited to the College of Medicine. Please don't take it personally.)

Things I am actually doing:
1. trying to figure out how to survive Arsenal-Chelsea and El Clasico happening within two hours of each other with my sanity, if not intact, then at least only slightly impaired (for me this just means minimal insomnia, moderate suicidal ideations, and as much brain-running-around-like-a-headless-chicken-only-with-half-as-much-sense-and-twice-the-panic that can be dealt with without acting on said suicidal ideations. My needs are few and far between, okay?)
2. trying to figure out how to keep said sanity at manageable levels until time comes when I have to take the removals
3. reading fanfic all day every day
4. kind of writing a TSN Inception AU that may or may not end up a messy crossover
5. not sleeping
6. what is with my life and my choices
levity: (daydream team)
I was awake at eight this morning and it felt like a triumph. Never mind that it was because, you know, I didn't sleep at all. Hi insomnia I don't miss you at all.

Things I am supposed to be doing:
1. studying for removals, which, okay, how shit are my choices
2. editing articles for the primer- Sed and Allen, if by any chance you are reading this, I still love you both, no, really, but why did I sign up for this again? (This is my reaction to everything I have signed up for within the past year, including but not limited to the College of Medicine. Please don't take it personally.)

Things I am actually doing:
1. trying to figure out how to survive Arsenal-Chelsea and El Clasico happening within two hours of each other with my sanity, if not intact, then at least only slightly impaired (for me this just means minimal insomnia, moderate suicidal ideations, and as much brain-running-around-like-a-headless-chicken-only-with-half-as-much-sense-and-twice-the-panic that can be dealt with without acting on said suicidal ideations. My needs are few and far between, okay?)
2. trying to figure out how to keep said sanity at manageable levels until time comes when I have to take the removals
3. reading fanfic all day every day
4. kind of writing a TSN Inception AU that may or may not end up a messy crossover
5. not sleeping
6. what is with my life and my choices
levity: (inconceivable!)
Things I am doing:

1. Comparing the merits of sleeping for an hour and then waking up to watch Barcelona play Chelsea vs. just not sleeping at all. This is the price you pay for Champions League football. Along with, you know, all the other more empire-building-related ones. Which sounds like I'm talking about the thing in New York King Kong climbed to the top of, which is a pretty good indication that I ought to shut up now. So.

2. Rewriting an overview of a med school subject. Re because I've given up on recovering the first document from the temperamental desktop I wrote it on. Trying not to feel like I'm faking the whole thing, because if you want someone to give you a decent overview of a med school subject? THAT SOMEONE IS NOT ME. That someone is so far from being me it's slightly hilarious, only not, because that someone isn't here writing this overview, I am, pretending to know about books and insider tips and all the rest. Well. Sucks to be UPCM 2017.

(Sed and Allen, if you are somewhere out there reading this, please know that I love you both and I love the whole primer thing, etc., etc., just, you know, when I said that I was willing write a subject overview if you were willing to trust in my ability to write a subject overview, I didn't actually expect anyone to take me up on the offer.)

3. Talking about college-entrance-exam-passing with the brother.

4. Thinking that if I were slightly less lucky on UPCAT day- or slightly less lucky in general, I guess- I wouldn't be in med school right now.

5. Trying not to think about HOW MUCH BETTER that would have been. (Though, okay, there's a chance that I'd have hated the past few years regardless of whether or not I was in Intarmed. But still. It's the theatrical melodrama that counts, etc.)

6. FAILING.
levity: (inconceivable!)
Things I am doing:

1. Comparing the merits of sleeping for an hour and then waking up to watch Barcelona play Chelsea vs. just not sleeping at all. This is the price you pay for Champions League football. Along with, you know, all the other more empire-building-related ones. Which sounds like I'm talking about the thing in New York King Kong climbed to the top of, which is a pretty good indication that I ought to shut up now. So.

2. Rewriting an overview of a med school subject. Re because I've given up on recovering the first document from the temperamental desktop I wrote it on. Trying not to feel like I'm faking the whole thing, because if you want someone to give you a decent overview of a med school subject? THAT SOMEONE IS NOT ME. That someone is so far from being me it's slightly hilarious, only not, because that someone isn't here writing this overview, I am, pretending to know about books and insider tips and all the rest. Well. Sucks to be UPCM 2017.

(Sed and Allen, if you are somewhere out there reading this, please know that I love you both and I love the whole primer thing, etc., etc., just, you know, when I said that I was willing write a subject overview if you were willing to trust in my ability to write a subject overview, I didn't actually expect anyone to take me up on the offer.)

3. Talking about college-entrance-exam-passing with the brother.

4. Thinking that if I were slightly less lucky on UPCAT day- or slightly less lucky in general, I guess- I wouldn't be in med school right now.

5. Trying not to think about HOW MUCH BETTER that would have been. (Though, okay, there's a chance that I'd have hated the past few years regardless of whether or not I was in Intarmed. But still. It's the theatrical melodrama that counts, etc.)

6. FAILING.
levity: (evening stretched out against the sky)
I am tired, I am so, so tired, even though this is probably the least tiring module ever and also mostly my fault, because hello Arsenal-Milan at 3:45 in the morning, but I can't not- and isn't this the root of all my problems, I don't do things because I want to, I do them because I can't not. I don't even want Mediscene anymore- I say this every year and maybe I mean it every year, too, but getting the main cast in one place for long enough to make one full run is like herding cats, people, like herding cats no one told you were tigers, and I may have to drop the play-within-a-play thing after all because I cannot get extras, and dry run was rescheduled because the Culture Comm people didn't get hold of whoever was in charge of Class 72 Theatre, and of course Globe chooses today to cut off my phone services. And the stupid research protocol Googledoc refuses to cooperate with me, and it's sweltering like high summer, and I don't even know if I'm doing this whole directing-thing correctly, I don't know if I'm actually getting anything done that the cast wouldn't do on their own except for maybe put them all in one place, and second-guessing yourself will always be necessary, because otherwise you'd be self-righteous and completely unbearable, but I don't know when I'm no longer being logical and I don't have the time, I don't have the time. I don't want to do this next year- hell, I don't want to do this now, but I signed up for the job. It's not like I wouldn't have been doing it even if I hadn't.

And I'd like to say that I want to go back to when things were less complicated, but I can't for the life of me remember when that was.

---

In completely unrelated news, I love my production team, and I love all my housemates.
levity: (evening stretched out against the sky)
I am tired, I am so, so tired, even though this is probably the least tiring module ever and also mostly my fault, because hello Arsenal-Milan at 3:45 in the morning, but I can't not- and isn't this the root of all my problems, I don't do things because I want to, I do them because I can't not. I don't even want Mediscene anymore- I say this every year and maybe I mean it every year, too, but getting the main cast in one place for long enough to make one full run is like herding cats, people, like herding cats no one told you were tigers, and I may have to drop the play-within-a-play thing after all because I cannot get extras, and dry run was rescheduled because the Culture Comm people didn't get hold of whoever was in charge of Class 72 Theatre, and of course Globe chooses today to cut off my phone services. And the stupid research protocol Googledoc refuses to cooperate with me, and it's sweltering like high summer, and I don't even know if I'm doing this whole directing-thing correctly, I don't know if I'm actually getting anything done that the cast wouldn't do on their own except for maybe put them all in one place, and second-guessing yourself will always be necessary, because otherwise you'd be self-righteous and completely unbearable, but I don't know when I'm no longer being logical and I don't have the time, I don't have the time. I don't want to do this next year- hell, I don't want to do this now, but I signed up for the job. It's not like I wouldn't have been doing it even if I hadn't.

And I'd like to say that I want to go back to when things were less complicated, but I can't for the life of me remember when that was.

---

In completely unrelated news, I love my production team, and I love all my housemates.
levity: (bring it)
May title ako para sa sequel sa horror movie. The Return of the Zona Pellucida.

Did proper histo lab work today, or more proper than is usually warranted, at any rate, and read through all the handouts and stayed up till one last night working on our trans on Allen's laptop, and grinned like a loon at every mention of zona pellucida, Graafian follicle, cumulus oophorus, SRY, SOX9, DAX1, at all those stupid things we'd had to Ma'am Co for, and I say Ma'am Co because there really is no other word for it. When people ask me about the structures on the slides I know the answer. I completely forgot what it was like to have that core of anger underneath my skin, slow burning and settled. It's not the halfhearted permanently-tired haphazardly-furious attempts at attempts at work I did for gastro and renal, trying to plug in a hole left by trust and words and proper sleeping schedules, and it's not the irritation that sometimes passes for determination which I took through neuro, because I just hated it so much. This is different. This is personal.

Nilagyan ko ng message sa dulo ng trans namin ang mga kasama ko sa Bio30 Summer Co Session. BAWAL BUMAGSAK. Bawal. Hindi maaari.

---

Dreaming in prose again, after all this time, which is something of a relief. It doesn't mean anything by itself, of course, but still.

---

I've put the Pod on shuffle twice this week, and both times it turned up Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. This is amusing on about the same level as my fortune cookie fortune reading "If we broaden our hearts, then we will not be so easily wounded by the slightest of things" is.
levity: (bring it)
May title ako para sa sequel sa horror movie. The Return of the Zona Pellucida.

Did proper histo lab work today, or more proper than is usually warranted, at any rate, and read through all the handouts and stayed up till one last night working on our trans on Allen's laptop, and grinned like a loon at every mention of zona pellucida, Graafian follicle, cumulus oophorus, SRY, SOX9, DAX1, at all those stupid things we'd had to Ma'am Co for, and I say Ma'am Co because there really is no other word for it. When people ask me about the structures on the slides I know the answer. I completely forgot what it was like to have that core of anger underneath my skin, slow burning and settled. It's not the halfhearted permanently-tired haphazardly-furious attempts at attempts at work I did for gastro and renal, trying to plug in a hole left by trust and words and proper sleeping schedules, and it's not the irritation that sometimes passes for determination which I took through neuro, because I just hated it so much. This is different. This is personal.

Nilagyan ko ng message sa dulo ng trans namin ang mga kasama ko sa Bio30 Summer Co Session. BAWAL BUMAGSAK. Bawal. Hindi maaari.

---

Dreaming in prose again, after all this time, which is something of a relief. It doesn't mean anything by itself, of course, but still.

---

I've put the Pod on shuffle twice this week, and both times it turned up Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. This is amusing on about the same level as my fortune cookie fortune reading "If we broaden our hearts, then we will not be so easily wounded by the slightest of things" is.
levity: (words in the heart cannot be taken)
Mother: Congratulations, Pao! You're Oblation!
Brother: Oblation what?


Me: Kasama rin yan sa tests sa higher cortical functions! Ipapa-explain mo kung anong ibig sabihin ng "Kung patay na ang damo aanhin pa ang kabayo".


Elaine: Sa differences naman tayo ngayon. Anong pinagkaiba ng sinungaling sa kasalanan?


Allen: Do you want a bite of my sausage?
Allison: (starts laughing)
Allen: My pastry.


Mother: (referring to the maroon felt-covered folder thing UP sent to contain its Congratulations Oblation Scholar message) Buti pa ito, maganda! Yung sa Ateneo envelope lang na papel, yung sa La Salle paper bag na napunit!


Father: (in response to my mother saying that she'd liked the prayer at the start of the La Salle Star Scholar Tour) You'll get a better prayer from the Ateneo, only it will have less humility.

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