levity: (Default)

I think I know the answer. The government. Not that I'm complaining. Well, maybe I am. But seriously, we're pressed for time as is, and holidays are still called- and rest periods are called off to make up for what has been lost. I know that we're supposed to honor our national heroes on this day, but if I were them and I saw this country in its present state I'd run as fast as I could in the opposite direction.

I'm partially serious. =>

---

Finally. It's over. Our Ramayana, the precious play I wrote and have grown to love and wish never even existed, after endless cancellations and even more endless practices, is over. Though Ma'am Bernal said we have to present it again. I don't think I want to present it again- not after all the scenes I hated and told myself on the day of the play that this was the last time I'd ever be performing them ever have finally been, well, not perfected, but close enough to win Ma'am Bernal's approval.

Yup. The RamayaNa is sort of like a relationship that has gone awry. You start out loving it, you learn to grow tired of it and eventually despise it, and once it's done with you want to make sure it stays in its grave.

But Pisay requirements never stop. Di-kumbensyonal na musika ata yun. Sabayang pag-iingay daw, sabi ni Sir Nat, and I agree, even now. => I hope I don't hate Sodium by the end of the school year. I used to like class activities but they're slowly becoming hell.

---

A quote from, of all people, Bonggi.

"... kailan nga ba namamatay ang tao, pag nabaril ba sya, nalunod, tinamaan ng kidlat, nadaganan ng mga gusali, pero sa pagkakaalam ko, namamatay lang ang tao pag nawala lang sila sa isip at damdamin ng ibang tao..."

So true.

---

I wonder that it is only now I realise how shallow I actually am.

Yes, shallow. My stories and problems, the small things I laugh about or want to kill over or try and set down in words for all eternity, mean hardly anything, mean nothing to anyone but me. I focus so much on myself I forget about the world, or about even my classmates, for that matter. I enjoy being random so much I never notice when someone else is offended, is problematic, or just plain has something better to do with their time than talk to me. Yup, I guess that's my fault. But sometimes I want to forget my simple problems that can't be solved, not because I don't know the solutions, but because I lack the resolve to try them out.

Sometimes I enjoy movies or books or anime despite their many faults and flaws, I create stories with no value or meaning or purpose save to waste time, I chatter or argue about the most pointless of things. I like them, don't get me wrong. I like being shallow at times. But the rest of the time I wonder if I am doomed to have no more substance than water vapor.

---

"I was scared... of myself. I am my own biggest critic. And the hardest thing to face is that no amount of practice will make me as good as the principal actor, or even as the image inside my head..."
-the Bio. teacher sa Pisay movie

levity: (Default)

I think I know the answer. The government. Not that I'm complaining. Well, maybe I am. But seriously, we're pressed for time as is, and holidays are still called- and rest periods are called off to make up for what has been lost. I know that we're supposed to honor our national heroes on this day, but if I were them and I saw this country in its present state I'd run as fast as I could in the opposite direction.

I'm partially serious. =>

---

Finally. It's over. Our Ramayana, the precious play I wrote and have grown to love and wish never even existed, after endless cancellations and even more endless practices, is over. Though Ma'am Bernal said we have to present it again. I don't think I want to present it again- not after all the scenes I hated and told myself on the day of the play that this was the last time I'd ever be performing them ever have finally been, well, not perfected, but close enough to win Ma'am Bernal's approval.

Yup. The RamayaNa is sort of like a relationship that has gone awry. You start out loving it, you learn to grow tired of it and eventually despise it, and once it's done with you want to make sure it stays in its grave.

But Pisay requirements never stop. Di-kumbensyonal na musika ata yun. Sabayang pag-iingay daw, sabi ni Sir Nat, and I agree, even now. => I hope I don't hate Sodium by the end of the school year. I used to like class activities but they're slowly becoming hell.

---

A quote from, of all people, Bonggi.

"... kailan nga ba namamatay ang tao, pag nabaril ba sya, nalunod, tinamaan ng kidlat, nadaganan ng mga gusali, pero sa pagkakaalam ko, namamatay lang ang tao pag nawala lang sila sa isip at damdamin ng ibang tao..."

So true.

---

I wonder that it is only now I realise how shallow I actually am.

Yes, shallow. My stories and problems, the small things I laugh about or want to kill over or try and set down in words for all eternity, mean hardly anything, mean nothing to anyone but me. I focus so much on myself I forget about the world, or about even my classmates, for that matter. I enjoy being random so much I never notice when someone else is offended, is problematic, or just plain has something better to do with their time than talk to me. Yup, I guess that's my fault. But sometimes I want to forget my simple problems that can't be solved, not because I don't know the solutions, but because I lack the resolve to try them out.

Sometimes I enjoy movies or books or anime despite their many faults and flaws, I create stories with no value or meaning or purpose save to waste time, I chatter or argue about the most pointless of things. I like them, don't get me wrong. I like being shallow at times. But the rest of the time I wonder if I am doomed to have no more substance than water vapor.

---

"I was scared... of myself. I am my own biggest critic. And the hardest thing to face is that no amount of practice will make me as good as the principal actor, or even as the image inside my head..."
-the Bio. teacher sa Pisay movie

levity: (Default)
... about the words "Sodium" and "Ramayana". "Sodium" refers to a highly corrosive, even deadly element. "Ramayana" refers to a highly stressful, even deadly epic scholars are required to present in a play. And when combined- well, the effect is so strong that every time it happens a storm has to come to prevent the chaos that would ensue otherwise. We'll see about next time, though.

I'm beginning to hope that our Ramayana pulls through. The cycle of practice, stress, final preparation, cancellation, schedule change, practice again is getting tiring. No, actually I just want to have it done. But there are no classes and whining about it won't do anyone any good.

---

I don't know if I like the rain or if I hate it like hell.

With rain comes the urge to write. Don't ask me why. And at the moment I am trying to translate a rather long Pisay story into words. It isn't working. The stupid thing about wanting to write, is that it rarely coincides with having the ability to write. I mean write as in string words together in a way that won't make people want to throw you off a bridge, and not write as in hold a pencil the right way and form legible scribbles.

With rain comes a better, more relaxed, more upbeat mood. Or maybe that's because we have no classes. Or maybe I'm just hyper. How am I supposed to know?

From our last math class:
Sir Nat: Alam ninyo kung ano yung locus? Di 'yan yung insekto, a!
Norman: Di ba yun yung ballpen?
Sir Nat: May nagsabi sa Cesium, locus daw yung nahahanap sa Region 1. Locus Norte, Locus Sur...
...=3

From last Wednesday, while I was playing with my Pisay pin:
Me: Ang cute talaga nitong pin na 'to... Sayang...
August: You're going to kill me, aren't you?
Me: No, I'm just going to stick this in your eye. Well, on second thought...

---

Why am I being so hyper?

Why am I even asking?

Why do I still not know how to end entries?
levity: (Default)
... about the words "Sodium" and "Ramayana". "Sodium" refers to a highly corrosive, even deadly element. "Ramayana" refers to a highly stressful, even deadly epic scholars are required to present in a play. And when combined- well, the effect is so strong that every time it happens a storm has to come to prevent the chaos that would ensue otherwise. We'll see about next time, though.

I'm beginning to hope that our Ramayana pulls through. The cycle of practice, stress, final preparation, cancellation, schedule change, practice again is getting tiring. No, actually I just want to have it done. But there are no classes and whining about it won't do anyone any good.

---

I don't know if I like the rain or if I hate it like hell.

With rain comes the urge to write. Don't ask me why. And at the moment I am trying to translate a rather long Pisay story into words. It isn't working. The stupid thing about wanting to write, is that it rarely coincides with having the ability to write. I mean write as in string words together in a way that won't make people want to throw you off a bridge, and not write as in hold a pencil the right way and form legible scribbles.

With rain comes a better, more relaxed, more upbeat mood. Or maybe that's because we have no classes. Or maybe I'm just hyper. How am I supposed to know?

From our last math class:
Sir Nat: Alam ninyo kung ano yung locus? Di 'yan yung insekto, a!
Norman: Di ba yun yung ballpen?
Sir Nat: May nagsabi sa Cesium, locus daw yung nahahanap sa Region 1. Locus Norte, Locus Sur...
...=3

From last Wednesday, while I was playing with my Pisay pin:
Me: Ang cute talaga nitong pin na 'to... Sayang...
August: You're going to kill me, aren't you?
Me: No, I'm just going to stick this in your eye. Well, on second thought...

---

Why am I being so hyper?

Why am I even asking?

Why do I still not know how to end entries?

I wonder.

Aug. 9th, 2007 05:35 pm
levity: (Default)
I wondered, in the middle of a stupid problem I could have finished in five minutes on a good day, if that was how dying felt like.

Pain shooting up your spine when you made to move your pen. Pain stabbing you in the back of your head when you tried to substitute and calculate. Pain exploding in your face when you opened your eyes to the light of the Physics room. Above all, the pain of knowing that you had to answer this long test, even at the cost of your life, even if all you wanted to do was screw your eyes shut against the maze of numbers and words, was to just curl up and die.

I wonder, now, if dying feels like a Physics long test in a sea of migraines, exploding stars, dying nerves, despair, pain.

---

Yesterday I was wondering if dying felt like a Ramayana performed when you're obvioiusly not ready, performed when sick and tired and in a class filled with insane politics and false pretenses. I wondered if dying felt like trying to give your best despite everything and dismally failing yourself- while the people you thought would help you stabbed you in the back. I wondered if laughing at the silliness of a Filipino horror movie that turned into a comedy when subjected to watchful eyes and tart comments was life support. I wondered if the cancelling of classes the next day- este today- was resurrection.

And I wonder if I will die again. Due to grades, or stress, or my class, or all of the above. I wonder if this will be the year, I wonder if I will forgive myself, I wonder what will happen if I don't. I wonder how I will leave this world, if necessary, I wonder if the rains will ever stop, I wonder when I will finally start working on the Health perio.

I wonder.

Aug. 9th, 2007 05:35 pm
levity: (Default)
I wondered, in the middle of a stupid problem I could have finished in five minutes on a good day, if that was how dying felt like.

Pain shooting up your spine when you made to move your pen. Pain stabbing you in the back of your head when you tried to substitute and calculate. Pain exploding in your face when you opened your eyes to the light of the Physics room. Above all, the pain of knowing that you had to answer this long test, even at the cost of your life, even if all you wanted to do was screw your eyes shut against the maze of numbers and words, was to just curl up and die.

I wonder, now, if dying feels like a Physics long test in a sea of migraines, exploding stars, dying nerves, despair, pain.

---

Yesterday I was wondering if dying felt like a Ramayana performed when you're obvioiusly not ready, performed when sick and tired and in a class filled with insane politics and false pretenses. I wondered if dying felt like trying to give your best despite everything and dismally failing yourself- while the people you thought would help you stabbed you in the back. I wondered if laughing at the silliness of a Filipino horror movie that turned into a comedy when subjected to watchful eyes and tart comments was life support. I wondered if the cancelling of classes the next day- este today- was resurrection.

And I wonder if I will die again. Due to grades, or stress, or my class, or all of the above. I wonder if this will be the year, I wonder if I will forgive myself, I wonder what will happen if I don't. I wonder how I will leave this world, if necessary, I wonder if the rains will ever stop, I wonder when I will finally start working on the Health perio.
levity: (Default)
I'm not feeling the hell week. Then again, I hardly ever do. But still. I still can't believe that one quarter of third year has passed. There's proof, though- I'm freer and more relaxed around my classmates, everyone's bugging me to study for periodicals, and I'm beginning to have new friends.

I'm still not used to having close friends- after all, only an unlucky few knew me for me in my old school. Old habits of hiding emotions and pretending everything is all right just to show people you don't need their help die hard.

I realise, after watching Pisay the movie with my batch and two other Pisay batches, that almost all Pisay stories have the same elements. Friendships, studies, academic problems, stress, horrible teachers, good teachers, unforgettable events, forgettable facts, grade worries, fear of failure, despair, hatred, apathy, STR, hell weeks, uncertainties, wrong decisions, annoying classmates, newly discovered talents, humbling moments, triumphant moments, homeworks, unfulfilled expectations, late projects, failing grades, over-perfects, pressure, competition, symbiosis, enmity, laughter. I don't think Pisay would be Pisay for me without these, though it may be for someone else, anyone else, everyone else.

Everything depends.

---

Sodium took two vehicles: Jazzy's van, which held Airah, Pristine, MJ, Sedric, Jeffrey, Ingrid, Jazzy (of course), Bonggi, and me, and a rented bus, which held everyone else plus part of Magnesium.

The rented bus was "first-class" (or so it said on the paper stuck to its doors, but who can expect anything else of Quintin?), pero ang bagal niya!!!!

As a result of that, Sodium was the first '09 class, and second class overall, to arrive- and was at the same time the last. We had to wait an hour for them, since our treasurer, who was with them, had the tickets.

Ang ganda ng CCP!!!! Wala lang.

And the two Sodium vehicles left the CCP at the same time, about. They took out from McDonald's. We had a buffet lunch at Kamayan, courtesy of Jazzy's father. And guess what? We had to wait an hour before they arrived!

We had Ramayana practice, and strangely enough, I still like it, despite evrything. Ang saya talaga ng role ng narrator- pero ang hirap din! I only pray that the floor of the stage is clean come performance day.

And after the practice were two hours of reading and contemplating and arguing and annoyances and death threats, and I wouldn't have life any other way. =>
levity: (Default)
I'm not feeling the hell week. Then again, I hardly ever do. But still. I still can't believe that one quarter of third year has passed. There's proof, though- I'm freer and more relaxed around my classmates, everyone's bugging me to study for periodicals, and I'm beginning to have new friends.

I'm still not used to having close friends- after all, only an unlucky few knew me for me in my old school. Old habits of hiding emotions and pretending everything is all right just to show people you don't need their help die hard.

I realise, after watching Pisay the movie with my batch and two other Pisay batches, that almost all Pisay stories have the same elements. Friendships, studies, academic problems, stress, horrible teachers, good teachers, unforgettable events, forgettable facts, grade worries, fear of failure, despair, hatred, apathy, STR, hell weeks, uncertainties, wrong decisions, annoying classmates, newly discovered talents, humbling moments, triumphant moments, homeworks, unfulfilled expectations, late projects, failing grades, over-perfects, pressure, competition, symbiosis, enmity, laughter. I don't think Pisay would be Pisay for me without these, though it may be for someone else, anyone else, everyone else.

Everything depends.

---

Sodium took two vehicles: Jazzy's van, which held Airah, Pristine, MJ, Sedric, Jeffrey, Ingrid, Jazzy (of course), Bonggi, and me, and a rented bus, which held everyone else plus part of Magnesium.

The rented bus was "first-class" (or so it said on the paper stuck to its doors, but who can expect anything else of Quintin?), pero ang bagal niya!!!!

As a result of that, Sodium was the first '09 class, and second class overall, to arrive- and was at the same time the last. We had to wait an hour for them, since our treasurer, who was with them, had the tickets.

Ang ganda ng CCP!!!! Wala lang.

And the two Sodium vehicles left the CCP at the same time, about. They took out from McDonald's. We had a buffet lunch at Kamayan, courtesy of Jazzy's father. And guess what? We had to wait an hour before they arrived!

We had Ramayana practice, and strangely enough, I still like it, despite evrything. Ang saya talaga ng role ng narrator- pero ang hirap din! I only pray that the floor of the stage is clean come performance day.

And after the practice were two hours of reading and contemplating and arguing and annoyances and death threats, and I wouldn't have life any other way. =>
levity: (Default)

Breakfast swam before my eyes, and I persistently rubbed my eyelids, as if that could do anything. When I could see clearly enough to identify a circle from a square, I picked up my glass of water and met my mother's gaze.

"Don't tell me you finished it last night."

I drank, wondering just how big my eyebags were, or just how contented I looked, or if the bulb of the reading lamp beside my bed finally decided to explode. "Okay, so I won't tell you."

She wore that expression, the expression that said she didn't know whether to be amused or annoyed, and I decided to give a serious answer.

"No." I smiled. "I finished it this morning."

---

We had a practice yesterday, a Ramayana practice. Actually yesterday was quite perfect, and this post is one day late. Thank my Harry Potter sort-of addiction. I say sort-of since I'm not really an addict. If I were, I would have just skipped the practice to buy the book. I'm glad I'm not.

When I arrived at school, some of my classmates had gone on ahead to Quintin's house, and some had not yet turned up. Among those who hadn't arrived yet was Bonggi.

So Quintin called the number next to Bonggi's name on the class directory.

"Bonggao, nasan ka?"

I remembered something Bonggi had told us about the class directory, but it was too late now. I kept my mouth shut, smiling.

"Bonggao, si Quintin 'to, nasan ka?"

I waited.

"Jayson, ikaw ba 'to?"

Several questions and apologies and explanations later, we were all laughing. Our laughter was doubled and trebled just when we decided to leave. Bonggi had still not yet arrived, and we had to get to practice place. And once we were headed to the cars, a figure ran across the flagpole area, distinctly Hanuman-like.

"Si Bonggi o!!!!"

Sometimes people amaze you by being amusing. That's normal. What's weird is if they do it without trying.

---

We had spent quite a time in the airconditioned room, almost in tears from laughing. Some things cannot be helped- like having to regale the people not present then of the mishap of Quintin calling Bonggi, and other insane things that have happened thanks to the wrong information on the class directory, like Patti's walking headfirst into a glass door, like the accidental replacement of the word "fortifications" by the word "fornications". (I didn't write that. I didn't even know what "fornications" meant. Wow. It actually hurt me physically to admit there was actually a word I didn't know the meaning of.)

Yung shirt ni Clint, spoof ng Salvadore Ferragamo (tama ba?). Nakasulat, "Sobratorpe Ferrogwapo". Anlayo pero natatawa kami ni Trish.

Kinukulit nila ako, inaasar nila ako kay August...

Trish: (as Sita) Do you have your heart set on me and want to marry me- yuck, ang feeler ko! (which brought about another round of laughter)

Parang nagddate sina Airah at Jonats sa airconditioned room noong lunch! Pati sina Manu at Tia, sa tabi pa ng pool!

Galing pala sa parehong school sina Vince Bernardo at Norman.... Hindi halata. I don't know why but the thought of some people coming from the same school is... weird.

Magaling gumawa ng bow si Menez ('yan, Norman, corrected na siya!!!! =>)! I offered him P500 in exchange for one of them. And Norman and Clint taught me to fire an arrow. Seriously, it isn't as easy as it looks, and it's much, much harder to actually aim an arrow. That was proven by the guy who managed to get an arrow stuck in the branches of one of Quintin's trees.

And Ravana didn't come. So we had two surrogate Ravanas for the day. One was Manu and the other was Berto. Try and imagine it. I dare you to keep a straight face.

And once the first batch of people had left and practice was officially over, we watched cartoons. It sounds weird for the best students in this country but not at all for Sodium '09.

It takes a long time to appreciate some things... And now I'm glad my wish to be in another section wasn't granted. If someone decides to grant it, I just might kill them.

Well, as of now. Tomorrow or the day after may change everything.

---

I remember the first time I ever read a Harry Potter book. It was Grade 2 Chinese periodicals, and I sat by myself in the playground, absorbing words. The bell rang and I was forced to go off to my classroom. I rushed through the tests and I forgot to study for the next day's exams, virtually forgot everything except the book. When it was done, I wanted the next. And the next. And the next after that. That was the quarter I had dropped from first place to second place and scored a mere 94% on the tests, but at that time I didn't really care.

I realise now, in the midst of upcoming tests, unedited-edited-edited Ramayana scripts, and late STR papers, that some things really never change.

---

"I'll sleep at two and I'll wake up at seven. That's five hours of sleep, it ought to be more than enough," I said, as if there was someone else aside from me awake at that ungodly hour, someone awake who actually gave a damn about what I said. I shut my mouth forcibly to prevent myself from arguing with myself and possibly waking someone up.

That was wrong, and I knew it. I didnt want to pretend he was there. I didn't want to believe he was there and could hear me and would actually retort to me, and I didn't want to pretend I did.

His absence is sometimes inevitable, I knew, and I either had to live with that reality or die with it, because either way it would still be a reality. But I had long since faced the fact that my imagination helped me deal with reality, so much that, without it, I would probably not be alive now.

I'm serious. =>

"... and all the roads we have to walk along are winding
and all the lights that lead us there are blinding
there are many things that i would
like to say to you
but i don't know how
so i said maybe
you're gonna be the one who saves me?
and after all
you're my wonderwall..."

levity: (Default)

Breakfast swam before my eyes, and I persistently rubbed my eyelids, as if that could do anything. When I could see clearly enough to identify a circle from a square, I picked up my glass of water and met my mother's gaze.

"Don't tell me you finished it last night."

I drank, wondering just how big my eyebags were, or just how contented I looked, or if the bulb of the reading lamp beside my bed finally decided to explode. "Okay, so I won't tell you."

She wore that expression, the expression that said she didn't know whether to be amused or annoyed, and I decided to give a serious answer.

"No." I smiled. "I finished it this morning."

---

We had a practice yesterday, a Ramayana practice. Actually yesterday was quite perfect, and this post is one day late. Thank my Harry Potter sort-of addiction. I say sort-of since I'm not really an addict. If I were, I would have just skipped the practice to buy the book. I'm glad I'm not.

When I arrived at school, some of my classmates had gone on ahead to Quintin's house, and some had not yet turned up. Among those who hadn't arrived yet was Bonggi.

So Quintin called the number next to Bonggi's name on the class directory.

"Bonggao, nasan ka?"

I remembered something Bonggi had told us about the class directory, but it was too late now. I kept my mouth shut, smiling.

"Bonggao, si Quintin 'to, nasan ka?"

I waited.

"Jayson, ikaw ba 'to?"

Several questions and apologies and explanations later, we were all laughing. Our laughter was doubled and trebled just when we decided to leave. Bonggi had still not yet arrived, and we had to get to practice place. And once we were headed to the cars, a figure ran across the flagpole area, distinctly Hanuman-like.

"Si Bonggi o!!!!"

Sometimes people amaze you by being amusing. That's normal. What's weird is if they do it without trying.

---

We had spent quite a time in the airconditioned room, almost in tears from laughing. Some things cannot be helped- like having to regale the people not present then of the mishap of Quintin calling Bonggi, and other insane things that have happened thanks to the wrong information on the class directory, like Patti's walking headfirst into a glass door, like the accidental replacement of the word "fortifications" by the word "fornications". (I didn't write that. I didn't even know what "fornications" meant. Wow. It actually hurt me physically to admit there was actually a word I didn't know the meaning of.)

Yung shirt ni Clint, spoof ng Salvadore Ferragamo (tama ba?). Nakasulat, "Sobratorpe Ferrogwapo". Anlayo pero natatawa kami ni Trish.

Kinukulit nila ako, inaasar nila ako kay August...

Trish: (as Sita) Do you have your heart set on me and want to marry me- yuck, ang feeler ko! (which brought about another round of laughter)

Parang nagddate sina Airah at Jonats sa airconditioned room noong lunch! Pati sina Manu at Tia, sa tabi pa ng pool!

Galing pala sa parehong school sina Vince Bernardo at Norman.... Hindi halata. I don't know why but the thought of some people coming from the same school is... weird.

Magaling gumawa ng bow si Menez ('yan, Norman, corrected na siya!!!! =>)! I offered him P500 in exchange for one of them. And Norman and Clint taught me to fire an arrow. Seriously, it isn't as easy as it looks, and it's much, much harder to actually aim an arrow. That was proven by the guy who managed to get an arrow stuck in the branches of one of Quintin's trees.

And Ravana didn't come. So we had two surrogate Ravanas for the day. One was Manu and the other was Berto. Try and imagine it. I dare you to keep a straight face.

And once the first batch of people had left and practice was officially over, we watched cartoons. It sounds weird for the best students in this country but not at all for Sodium '09.

It takes a long time to appreciate some things... And now I'm glad my wish to be in another section wasn't granted. If someone decides to grant it, I just might kill them.

Well, as of now. Tomorrow or the day after may change everything.

---

I remember the first time I ever read a Harry Potter book. It was Grade 2 Chinese periodicals, and I sat by myself in the playground, absorbing words. The bell rang and I was forced to go off to my classroom. I rushed through the tests and I forgot to study for the next day's exams, virtually forgot everything except the book. When it was done, I wanted the next. And the next. And the next after that. That was the quarter I had dropped from first place to second place and scored a mere 94% on the tests, but at that time I didn't really care.

I realise now, in the midst of upcoming tests, unedited-edited-edited Ramayana scripts, and late STR papers, that some things really never change.

---

"I'll sleep at two and I'll wake up at seven. That's five hours of sleep, it ought to be more than enough," I said, as if there was someone else aside from me awake at that ungodly hour, someone awake who actually gave a damn about what I said. I shut my mouth forcibly to prevent myself from arguing with myself and possibly waking someone up.

That was wrong, and I knew it. I didnt want to pretend he was there. I didn't want to believe he was there and could hear me and would actually retort to me, and I didn't want to pretend I did.

His absence is sometimes inevitable, I knew, and I either had to live with that reality or die with it, because either way it would still be a reality. But I had long since faced the fact that my imagination helped me deal with reality, so much that, without it, I would probably not be alive now.

I'm serious. =>

"... and all the roads we have to walk along are winding
and all the lights that lead us there are blinding
there are many things that i would
like to say to you
but i don't know how
so i said maybe
you're gonna be the one who saves me?
and after all
you're my wonderwall..."

levity: (Default)
When you tell others to respect others' opinions, do you have to bite back the words, "if and only if they coincide with mine"? Or do you just want others to respect your opinions? Or do you consider yourself above your own rules- after all, you created them?

When you reject others' ideas, is it because better ideas are already laid out? Or because you have better ideas? Because you didn't think of them? Or just because you're absorbing everyone's ideas, thinking of a way to combine them all in a way that could be considered uniquely yours, so that you'd get all the credit?

When you critique others, do you genuinely intend it to be for their own improvement? Or do you just put others down so you can feel like you're the best? So that anyone else who could possibly be competition would feel too hopeless to continue and you would be left unchallenged and undefeated?

When you take up the lead , do you lead for the good of everyone else? When you offer to do a certain task, do you offer out of concern for your classmate or the goodness of your heart? Or do you just work for the sake of your own grade?

Isn't it all just politics? Isn't it all just a play for power and good grades and individual betterment? When it really comes down to it, aren't you just concerned about yourself?

My title is wrong, I realise now.

It should read, "Answer the questions. Honestly."

---

I have always liked Garnet and Champaca- I never regretted being forced into them. I'm afraid I can't say the same for Sodium.

True, I have several friends there, a few people I'm actually glad to be around and who can make me laugh against all odds. But as a whole.... Well, maybe Garnet and Champaca set high standards to live up to but Sodium fails those standards.

The only reason I liked Sodium as a whole was because I could solo the script. I'm serious. That was the first time I was happy to be there, that I didn't want to be in any other section.

But now...

---

I'm supposed to be happy today, since not only was it a Friday, but it also was the day before a prime-numbered date.

I noticed a trend. On odd-numbered days, I'm okay, and no matter what happens I usually end the day all right. And on even-numbered days, I decide.

We met today! JoMiKeAdDaAn! For the first time in the young albeit seemingly-excruciatingly-long school year! All six of us! It's weird not to have any of them in my class- in Garnet we were of course complete and in Champaca I had Chii and Tricia. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I don't like Sodium... I don't know.

Basta. It's so hard to be unhappy around five of your best friends as they- and you- laugh and exchange stories and witticisms and advice. Seldom do you find friends who are there for you always and whom you can be yourself around, no need for acting. Seldom do you find friends who can make you laugh no matter what and who can make you feel completely at home having lunch on the floor of the front lobby. Seldom do you find friends who give you confidence just by being there.

Oddly enough, I have five- no, seven- of them.

Sometimes, despite everything, I notice out of the blue how lucky I am.

---

We read Jupiter's essay describing Thea. Out loud. In turns. Except for Thea, of course. I gave up easily since I choked on my own laughter.

---

Yup, I noticed that you have an aversion to death, but sometimes I can't just shut up, can I? I'm sorry- do you understand that? I'm sorry for the talking about things that I think that you ask about that my mouth can't seem to keep inside. I'm sorry for hurting you and for destroying your belief in me. I'm sorry for having to tell you everything- sometimes, in my insensitive idiocy, I don't know how seriously you take some things.

Every time we have a serious fight I'm always the one to apologise, did you notice that? No matter if something I said annoyed you or if I was annoyed and hurt by something you said, I usually always apologise first. I sometimes think I say sorry more than I say anything else. Well, except for maybe pangit ka. But do you see the point? And I don't care- I don't mind and I don't care if I'm always at fault. I rather agree with you, actually. But don't say I don't care about you, because I do. You just don't believe me.

I wonder what I could do to make you believe me. I could post it over the school the way we talked about if you that would make you listen- I'd even have it approved by the SSD and sign my name if I had to. I can say so here, in this blog, in this entry. There are no limits. If you want me to give up the script I will. If you want me to kill him I will. If you want me to leave you alone for the next half century- well, it'll hurt but I will. Maybe I sound insane and maybe I sound pitiful, and I don't really care what others think of me. Sometimes I lose proportion of things and this is one of those cases, since what you think matters more than anything else in the world.

I know, I know. I should have said this all earlier at school, but I didn't dare ruin the mood and I didn't want to fight again. Plus I take courage in the fact that you will probably not read this sometime soon.

Not to mention that it's infinitely easier to be the accuser than the accused.

And yeah.

I still love you.
levity: (Default)
When you tell others to respect others' opinions, do you have to bite back the words, "if and only if they coincide with mine"? Or do you just want others to respect your opinions? Or do you consider yourself above your own rules- after all, you created them?

When you reject others' ideas, is it because better ideas are already laid out? Or because you have better ideas? Because you didn't think of them? Or just because you're absorbing everyone's ideas, thinking of a way to combine them all in a way that could be considered uniquely yours, so that you'd get all the credit?

When you critique others, do you genuinely intend it to be for their own improvement? Or do you just put others down so you can feel like you're the best? So that anyone else who could possibly be competition would feel too hopeless to continue and you would be left unchallenged and undefeated?

When you take up the lead , do you lead for the good of everyone else? When you offer to do a certain task, do you offer out of concern for your classmate or the goodness of your heart? Or do you just work for the sake of your own grade?

Isn't it all just politics? Isn't it all just a play for power and good grades and individual betterment? When it really comes down to it, aren't you just concerned about yourself?

My title is wrong, I realise now.

It should read, "Answer the questions. Honestly."

---

I have always liked Garnet and Champaca- I never regretted being forced into them. I'm afraid I can't say the same for Sodium.

True, I have several friends there, a few people I'm actually glad to be around and who can make me laugh against all odds. But as a whole.... Well, maybe Garnet and Champaca set high standards to live up to but Sodium fails those standards.

The only reason I liked Sodium as a whole was because I could solo the script. I'm serious. That was the first time I was happy to be there, that I didn't want to be in any other section.

But now...

---

I'm supposed to be happy today, since not only was it a Friday, but it also was the day before a prime-numbered date.

I noticed a trend. On odd-numbered days, I'm okay, and no matter what happens I usually end the day all right. And on even-numbered days, I decide.

We met today! JoMiKeAdDaAn! For the first time in the young albeit seemingly-excruciatingly-long school year! All six of us! It's weird not to have any of them in my class- in Garnet we were of course complete and in Champaca I had Chii and Tricia. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I don't like Sodium... I don't know.

Basta. It's so hard to be unhappy around five of your best friends as they- and you- laugh and exchange stories and witticisms and advice. Seldom do you find friends who are there for you always and whom you can be yourself around, no need for acting. Seldom do you find friends who can make you laugh no matter what and who can make you feel completely at home having lunch on the floor of the front lobby. Seldom do you find friends who give you confidence just by being there.

Oddly enough, I have five- no, seven- of them.

Sometimes, despite everything, I notice out of the blue how lucky I am.

---

We read Jupiter's essay describing Thea. Out loud. In turns. Except for Thea, of course. I gave up easily since I choked on my own laughter.

---

Yup, I noticed that you have an aversion to death, but sometimes I can't just shut up, can I? I'm sorry- do you understand that? I'm sorry for the talking about things that I think that you ask about that my mouth can't seem to keep inside. I'm sorry for hurting you and for destroying your belief in me. I'm sorry for having to tell you everything- sometimes, in my insensitive idiocy, I don't know how seriously you take some things.

Every time we have a serious fight I'm always the one to apologise, did you notice that? No matter if something I said annoyed you or if I was annoyed and hurt by something you said, I usually always apologise first. I sometimes think I say sorry more than I say anything else. Well, except for maybe pangit ka. But do you see the point? And I don't care- I don't mind and I don't care if I'm always at fault. I rather agree with you, actually. But don't say I don't care about you, because I do. You just don't believe me.

I wonder what I could do to make you believe me. I could post it over the school the way we talked about if you that would make you listen- I'd even have it approved by the SSD and sign my name if I had to. I can say so here, in this blog, in this entry. There are no limits. If you want me to give up the script I will. If you want me to kill him I will. If you want me to leave you alone for the next half century- well, it'll hurt but I will. Maybe I sound insane and maybe I sound pitiful, and I don't really care what others think of me. Sometimes I lose proportion of things and this is one of those cases, since what you think matters more than anything else in the world.

I know, I know. I should have said this all earlier at school, but I didn't dare ruin the mood and I didn't want to fight again. Plus I take courage in the fact that you will probably not read this sometime soon.

Not to mention that it's infinitely easier to be the accuser than the accused.

And yeah.

I still love you.

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