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levityI wondered, in the middle of a stupid problem I could have finished in five minutes on a good day, if that was how dying felt like.
Pain shooting up your spine when you made to move your pen. Pain stabbing you in the back of your head when you tried to substitute and calculate. Pain exploding in your face when you opened your eyes to the light of the Physics room. Above all, the pain of knowing that you had to answer this long test, even at the cost of your life, even if all you wanted to do was screw your eyes shut against the maze of numbers and words, was to just curl up and die.
I wonder, now, if dying feels like a Physics long test in a sea of migraines, exploding stars, dying nerves, despair, pain.
---
Yesterday I was wondering if dying felt like a Ramayana performed when you're obvioiusly not ready, performed when sick and tired and in a class filled with insane politics and false pretenses. I wondered if dying felt like trying to give your best despite everything and dismally failing yourself- while the people you thought would help you stabbed you in the back. I wondered if laughing at the silliness of a Filipino horror movie that turned into a comedy when subjected to watchful eyes and tart comments was life support. I wondered if the cancelling of classes the next day- este today- was resurrection.
And I wonder if I will die again. Due to grades, or stress, or my class, or all of the above. I wonder if this will be the year, I wonder if I will forgive myself, I wonder what will happen if I don't. I wonder how I will leave this world, if necessary, I wonder if the rains will ever stop, I wonder when I will finally start working on the Health perio.
Pain shooting up your spine when you made to move your pen. Pain stabbing you in the back of your head when you tried to substitute and calculate. Pain exploding in your face when you opened your eyes to the light of the Physics room. Above all, the pain of knowing that you had to answer this long test, even at the cost of your life, even if all you wanted to do was screw your eyes shut against the maze of numbers and words, was to just curl up and die.
I wonder, now, if dying feels like a Physics long test in a sea of migraines, exploding stars, dying nerves, despair, pain.
---
Yesterday I was wondering if dying felt like a Ramayana performed when you're obvioiusly not ready, performed when sick and tired and in a class filled with insane politics and false pretenses. I wondered if dying felt like trying to give your best despite everything and dismally failing yourself- while the people you thought would help you stabbed you in the back. I wondered if laughing at the silliness of a Filipino horror movie that turned into a comedy when subjected to watchful eyes and tart comments was life support. I wondered if the cancelling of classes the next day- este today- was resurrection.
And I wonder if I will die again. Due to grades, or stress, or my class, or all of the above. I wonder if this will be the year, I wonder if I will forgive myself, I wonder what will happen if I don't. I wonder how I will leave this world, if necessary, I wonder if the rains will ever stop, I wonder when I will finally start working on the Health perio.
