forgetfulness

I can't remember how it feels to be relaxed about grades, to know that, no matter what you do, you will end up with grades that are passable and passing and actually good, in everyone's standards. The last time I felt that, I was in either first or second grade.

I can't remember how it feels to be content. With my grades. With my talents. With my life. With everything I do. I can't remember when any single action of mine has not been criticized, either by myself or by others. I can't remember how it feels not to be judged, not to have to watch my step and not to contain anything and everything, not to be doubted.

I can't remember how it feels to have nothing to do, no requirements to worry about, no worries about school or home, to be free to do anything you like without having to set time limits for yourself. I can't remember how it feels to carry no expectations, to start something with a clean slate, with no impressions from anything you've done before.

I can't remember how it feels to be trusted. I can't remember the last time someone told me a secret without giving me a second glance and confirming, "'Wag mo sabihin, a?" I can't remember the last time he told me something important without worrying about my reaction. I can't remember the last time I could talk to him freely, without fear of his paranoia and jealousy.

One of the few things I can remember is how it feels to be completely relaxed in my class, how it feels to be free to laugh and scream and insult and criticize, to make mistakes and air opinions and forgive and forget and laugh everything off, to compete and send off ICBMs and bribe and threaten others to do their best, to make crazy corny jokes and let everyone see your innocence and carelessness and limits. I wish it were still like that. I wish that comments and insults could be out in the open and not behind others' backs. I wish that every action did not have to be judged and used against others. I wish that my classmates could understand that everyone made mistakes, not just them, that everyone got insulted and lost their tempers and gave up completely once in a while. I wish that they would understand that the world wasn't centered on them alone and that everyone else wasn't just created to serve them mindlessly.

I can't remember how to forgive myself. For my grades and mistakes and incompetence and incapabilities, for my inanities and carelessness and infinite stupidity, for my discontent and anger and humanity and despair.

forgetfulness

I can't remember how it feels to be relaxed about grades, to know that, no matter what you do, you will end up with grades that are passable and passing and actually good, in everyone's standards. The last time I felt that, I was in either first or second grade.

I can't remember how it feels to be content. With my grades. With my talents. With my life. With everything I do. I can't remember when any single action of mine has not been criticized, either by myself or by others. I can't remember how it feels not to be judged, not to have to watch my step and not to contain anything and everything, not to be doubted.

I can't remember how it feels to have nothing to do, no requirements to worry about, no worries about school or home, to be free to do anything you like without having to set time limits for yourself. I can't remember how it feels to carry no expectations, to start something with a clean slate, with no impressions from anything you've done before.

I can't remember how it feels to be trusted. I can't remember the last time someone told me a secret without giving me a second glance and confirming, "'Wag mo sabihin, a?" I can't remember the last time he told me something important without worrying about my reaction. I can't remember the last time I could talk to him freely, without fear of his paranoia and jealousy.

One of the few things I can remember is how it feels to be completely relaxed in my class, how it feels to be free to laugh and scream and insult and criticize, to make mistakes and air opinions and forgive and forget and laugh everything off, to compete and send off ICBMs and bribe and threaten others to do their best, to make crazy corny jokes and let everyone see your innocence and carelessness and limits. I wish it were still like that. I wish that comments and insults could be out in the open and not behind others' backs. I wish that every action did not have to be judged and used against others. I wish that my classmates could understand that everyone made mistakes, not just them, that everyone got insulted and lost their tempers and gave up completely once in a while. I wish that they would understand that the world wasn't centered on them alone and that everyone else wasn't just created to serve them mindlessly.

I can't remember how to forgive myself. For my grades and mistakes and incompetence and incapabilities, for my inanities and carelessness and infinite stupidity, for my discontent and anger and humanity and despair.