levity | two extremes

Wow! For once may sense ang aking title! ~~May sense ba?~~ Anyways.

I know, I know. Hindi ako nagppost dito kahit na maayos na ang aking keyboard pati ang aking DSL pati ang aking computer. I guess I've just been lazy this summer. I've been mostly just thinking. And sleeping, in theory to make up for lost sleep thanks to Pisay.

Thanks to Pisay? Thanks to me, actually.

I don't study- though I do complete ~~all~~ (or most) of my requirements- and yet I stay up late and stuff.

And I even have the gall to complain about my mediocre grades. Stupid, isn't it?

And this is when my title starts making sense: some time ago I resolved that next year, I would do either one of two extremes. Either I would for once try my best (and that means not cramming projects, not sleeping during tests, and actually studying), or I wouldn't make the effort at all. Just that if I do the latter I have no more right to complain about my grades.

And I don't even want to try my best. Well, didn't. Since if I try my best and find I still get mediocre grades, what does that mean? That I'm not as intelligent as I want to believe I am. As I hope I am. As I want to be. For now I can excuse my mediocre grades by saying that I didn't study. But if I really try? I'll have no more excuses to hide behind.

And of course, I gave ------ a monologue all his own, just on that. And he listened, and managed to improve my mood. That doesn't take away my doubt, though.

---

The Divine Comedy is aptly named. Why? Kasi may parts sa Inferno na nakakatuwa. O baka naman hindi dapat sila nakakatuwa, pero natutuwa lang ako sa kanila. Ambabaw ko kasi kahapon.

Why am I like this? Either I'm quiet and depressed, or I'm hyper and amused at everything.

I really don't know my happy mediums.

No, I'll edit that: I don't know my happy mediums if I don't stifle my emotions.

When I control them, well, life seems always-imperfectly-perfect.

Nothing to make me ~~suicidal~~ depressed, but nothing to make me euphoric, either.

I wonder...

"... who i am hates who i've been
and who i am will take the second chance you gave me.
who i am hates who i've been
'cause who i've been only ever made me...
so sorry for the person i became.
so sorry that it took so long for me to change.
i'm ready to be sure i never become that way again
'cause who i am hates who i've been.
who i am hates who i've been..."
-Relient K, Who I Am Hates Who I've Been