levity | Entries tagged with the beautiful game

After the game the boss congratulated Harper and the away fans stood in the stands singing and the boys walked over to applaud them because holy carp what a season and Per's hug made Rosa look tiny and Olivier carried Kos across the pitch and Bac sprayed water on everybody and fourth place never looked so good. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you all. Happy St. Totteringham's.

I know that as a football fan I'm kind of contractually required to say that if any team can pull back after losing the first leg 4-0 it's my team, but in this case it really is my team. Som i serem etc. See you all in three-ish hours.

ETA: Football is pain, highness. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

IN THE SECOND MINUTE.

I know that United already have the league won, but still.

(Please don’t screw this up, boys.)

ETA 2: I love how every other post in the Arsenal tag is basically “Fuck off, Robin van Persie”. Because seriously, fuck off, Robin van Persie. Hate is a strong word but you’re one of the two people for whom strongly dislike feels like a lie.

You better fucking win this one, boys.

ETA 3: But seriously, do you ever wonder if all the people going Why are you booing Van Persie you're so meeeean are watching the same figurative program as you are?

What the hell, Barcelona.

While we’re kind of on the topic: Geri. Geri. Gerard Pique. I realise that you are not exactly the soul of rational decision-making, but whatever made you think that shaving all the hair off of the top of your head was a good idea in any way, shape, or form? Did you lose a bet? Inquiring minds.

ETA: Oh, seriously, screw you.

Dear Barcelona: I believe in your ability to overturn 4-0 deficits, just not that much. But no, really, I thought this kind of thing only happened to Arsenal.

You know you're really fucking exhausted when you find that you've slept through your team's goal. Good one, Per.

ETA: I know that I am half asleep and kind of sleepwalking through this game and all, because unofficial social medicine week was great but the kind of exhausting you only feel as a crash when you get home, but how could I not have noticed that Sian Massey was on the line? What a great human being.

Now win this one, Arsenal.

Dear Barcelona,

I did not get up at four in the morning to watch you lose.

---

ETA: I wish my commentary were in Spanish just to hear the “GOOOOOOOOOOOL”, just so I wouldn’t have to say it. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL. I LOVE OUR FRONT LINE. DARLING BOYS.

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ETA the second: Holy carp Cesc Fabregas has a daughter. Cesc Fabregas has a daughter. Cesc Fabregas is a father. Holy carp do you remember when he set his kitchen on fire by accident? I feel ancient.

Of course my stream froze just as the ball went flying to Rosa’s head from Gervinho’s boot. At least it was in Spanish, so I got the ten-second long declaration of “GOOOOOOOOOOL”.

ETA: Of course WBA get a freekick right after. Thank the football gods for Lukasz Fabianski, because I guess making a wall that does its job is a bit difficult.

ETA II: ANO BA YAN DI PA SIYA PUMASOK. GUYSSSS. WHAAAAT.

On the bright side at least we're playing well. Well, as much as I can tell given my stream freezes every five seconds.

ETA III: ROSAAAAA. It’s great to have you back in the squad.

ETA IV: Well, hell.

I’d ask you what you were thinking, Per, but. Yeah.

ETA how the hell do you expect me to count them down properly:
Dear Arsenal,

Don’t. You. Dare. Don’t even think about it. This is why no one ever trusts your two-goal leads.

Also apparently we have the most red cards in the league for this season? There’s a punch line here, only I haven’t slept in two days so I don’t know what it is.

ETA the last: If no one has ever been reported to have died of Arsenal it’s only because of faulty data gathering.

Good one, kids. :D

ALL OUR DEFENDERS ARE FORWARDS IN DISGUISE THERE’S REALLY NO POINT IN SAYING OTHERWISE. I LOVE YOU, NACHO MONREAL.

ETA: THANK YOU GERVINHO. THANK YOU ARSENAL FOR NOT BEING THE COMPLETELY PREDICTABLE ROLLERCOASTER EVERYONE EXPECTED YOU TO BE. I LOVE YOU ALL STRAIGHTFORWARDLY WITH NO COMPLEXITIES OR PRIDE.

Spending two consecutive Saturdays at memorial chapels. I don't know if that's the right word, because I've never heard it as anything other than "Pupunta kay ----" or "Pupunta sa patay". Neither of them were close to me, but still. But still.

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Have I ever expressed how much I hate when people use evidence-based action as code for we're not going to do anything without the backing of everyone higher up? Because it's not like the life experiences of the marginalized count, or anything.

And I know, LOL at the people who think student councils can ~change things~, but- it's a matter of principle? It's a matter of simple good sense and not reinforcing systems that screw whole groups of people over and excuse it as being- what, efficient, like trickle-down economics is a thing that works and hahaha human rights what human rights and look! growth! what do you mean, not inclusive?

I am so tired- tell me something new, right- but I am so tired because people are so tiring.

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Just watched the second leg of the Manchester United-Real Madrid game, a.k.a. The Enemy vs. The Lesser Evil. The scoreboard thing read "Man-Mad". Someone... did not think about how the first leg scoreboard read.

Also, is it a Real Madrid rule that when something absurd happens, it's Sergio Ramos's fault?

Jose shook hands with Sir Alex in the 94th minute. Jose shook hands with Sir Alex before the game had finished. I have so much affection for him it's ridiculous. Sir Alex's face could go in the dictionary beside "puce". Or beside "livid".

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K apparently Thriller makes me tear up now. Good to know.

Who the hell are we kidding, we never take the chances.

I MOCK BECAUSE I LOVE, ARSENAL FC. I MOCK BECAUSE I LOVE AND BECAUSE YOU WON DESPITE IT BEING INJURY DAY (I know every day is injury day, but some days are more of injury days than others) AND BECAUSE SZCZ MADE ALL THE SAVES AND BECAUSE WOW LAST TEN MINUTES ALL OF A SUDDEN WE HAVE A DEFENSE. Every day I thank everything that I am not Arsene Wenger, because if I were then I would have to yell at you all. As is, love. Or relief, they’re kind of interchangeable sometimes.

Arsenal, what the hell, this is an absolute unmitigated disaster.

ETA: Okay, it was not the complete disaster it could have been, and Theo you are a godsend and Verma you are a miracle, but still.

Are they playing Of Monsters and Men over at Swansea's stadium at half-time? YES, THEY ARE. Incidentally, Arsenal, I would appreciate not being so dramatic and getting a goal in (comparatively) early. Thank you.

ETA: So apparently they weren't exaggerating about Michu. Dear Arsenal, I despair of your commitment to consistency.

ETA2: Lukas Podolski, you big damn hero. GOLDI POLDI HALLELUJAH.

ETA3: Dear Arsenal, you are all insane human beings. Gibbo, that was a beauty. NOW PLEASE STOP THREATENING OUR BLOOD PRESSURE THANKS.

ETA4: You really are all insane human beings. Why are you even my team.

If you are flinging mud at and/or making stupid smartass comments at the expense of my team and my manager I will assume that it is because you love them and are fed up with the way they've been running the show. If not then I reserve the right to dislike you immensely.

Best things, best things:
- when your commentators start singing "Na na na na na na na, na na na na, Giroud" along with the Emirates
- the cameras panning over to document Thierry Henry's palpable delight whenever Arsenal score a goal
- PER. PEEER.
- Spurs having to play with ten men for 60-odd minutes
- because of really unquestionably red red cards
- Wojciech Szczesny, Arsenal's number one
- GOLDI POLDI HALLELUJAH no I will never be over his song
- this team, this crazy team, only one that makes you more nervous when you're 2-0 up than when you're 1-0 down
- North London derbies

ETA: Theo, that was a beauty. Santi Cazorla, your entire game is a beauty. I am making small high-pitched noises at Theo walking off the pitch with his arm slung over Gareth Bale's shoulders.

Arsenal FC, YOU ARE DEPRESSING. YOU ARE SO DEPRESSING I DO NOT KNOW WHY I EVEN BOTHER. That is a lie, of course, but it's the spirit of the thing.

ETA just as I was writing this: I TAKE IT BACK. I TAKE IT ALL BACK. AAARSENAL.

ETA 2: Why do people even bother with the whole "Say what you like about Arsenal, they're never boring" route? I say what I like about Arsenal! And they are never boring! I'd just like crushing wins and holding on to two-goal leads once in a while! YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THE DRAMA ALL THE TIME, ARSENAL.

But Olivier Giroud, though.

HOLY CARP, BARCELONA, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

ETA: The football gods heard me, and sent their response via their vessel on earth, Lionel Messi. He and Cris are making deals and laughing at all us peons, just you wait and see.

ETA2: ANO BA YAN. ANO BA YAN.

ALL I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY IS A DOUBLE MANCHESTER LOSS. IS THAT SO HARD?

CLEARLY. I love football. No sarcasm.

ETA: Santi Cazorla is a wonder and a revelation and I love him. Carl Jenkinson- is not disproving the common perception that all our defenders are wingers in disguise, but he's the kid who's clearly thrilled that he's playing for the club of his dreams, and who is proving he can do it, and so I love him too.

And Arsenal, this has been your game, what the hell was that concession.

Son of ETA: I was just about to post screaming at the guys to just shoot, and then. KOOOOS. ALL OUR DEFENDERS ARE FORWARDS IN DISGUISE. GO GO GO.

THE Cathedral bell, tolled, could never tell;
nor the Liver Birds, mute in their stone spell;
or the Mersey, though seagulls wailed, cursed, overhead,
in no language for the slandered dead...
not the raw, red throat of the Kop, keening,
or the cops’ words, censored of meaning;
not the clock, slow handclapping the coroner’s deadline,
or the memo to Thatcher, or the tabloid headline...
but fathers told of their daughters; the names of sons
on the lips of their mothers like prayers; lost ones
honoured for bitter years by orphan, cousin, wife -
not a matter of football, but of life.
Over this great city, light after long dark;
truth, the sweet silver song of the lark.

Happy Martial Law Day to everyone who still thinks that Ferdinand Marcos is the best thing to ever happen to the Philippines, can't all you plebians screaming about human rights see that, OMG!!1 My only hope for you is that you grow a brain sometime within the next century. And also to you, Tito Sotto, but for you holding on hope would be the height of foolishness and inefficiency.

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Overdosing on all the Champions League qualifiers I wasn't able to see live. Sometimes I feel like football is the only wonderful thing in the world; it's not true, of course, but it feels like it.

ETA: Jose Mourinho you are perfect to me.

From the post-match interviews:

Reporter: Do you credit Real?
Joe Hart: No.

and

Reporter: Do you feel any sympathy for Manchester City?
Jose Mourinho: No.

GOOOOOL. GOOOOOL. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO SCORED, MY STREAM IS AT A STANDSTILL HALF THE TIME AND PIXELLATED THE OTHER HALF AND I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS AN OWN GOAL BY SOUTHAMPTON, BUT WE ARE 1-0 UP EARLY IN THE GAME AND MY STREAM IS IN SPANISH (I love how they pronounce "Oxlade-Chamberlain". And "Jenkinson".) AND SO I DON'T EVEN CAAAARE, I WILL MILK THIS FOR ALL IT'S WORTH. GOOOOOL. GOOOOOOOL.

ETA: I know the goalscorer's name! It's Hooiveld, which must be ridiculously fun to say, though probably not as much as "salpingooophorectomy".

ETA the second: GOLDI POLDI HALLELUJAH, GOLDI POLDI HALLELUJAH. I have not actually seen either of the goals, but I don't want to change my horrible stream because I haven't yet found an exception to the rule that all sports fans are superstitious.

ETA the third: APPARENTLY I AM DOOMED NEVER TO SEE ANY GOALS, BECAUSE IN THE TIME THAT IT TOOK ME TO SWITCH OUT STREAMS WE'VE SCORED TWO. I LOVE THIS TEAM. I LOVE THIS TEAM. AND ONLY AN ARSENAL FAN WOULD EVEN CONSIDER THIS A POSSIBILITY, BUT: GUYS. PLEASE DON'T SCREW THIS UP.

ETA the fourth: I hope to God and Arsene Wenger that I did not jinx this.

Everyone's going to be gushing about Lukas Podolski's wonderful curling freekick (AND RIGHTLY, WALANG SINABI SA IYO SI DAVID BECKHAM, LU-LU-LU-LUKAS PODOLSKI) but I would like to direct your attention to the gorgeous piece of footwork from Santi Cazorla that led to Mikel Arteta's almost lazy assist for Gervinho's goal. And say what you like about Gibbo as a defender (actually, don't, he's a young talented player who tends to make bad decisions, so, typically Arsenal), his performance was fantastic. The argument can be made that all our defenders are wingers in disguise. Whoever made up Verma's chant would certainly agree.

ETA the last: At least I saw Theo's goal. Why the hell is the Guardian's minute-by-minute cover photo Anton Ferdinand ignoring John Terry's handshake? Which really means: John Terry called Anton Ferdinand by a racist slur, no amount of handshaking will do anything about that, so will you please shut it until you and the FA and the rest of British media can show that you can deal with racism beyond banners before games, my gulay.

Gervinho, you belong with us. What can I say, erratic but talented is practically our middle name. Santi Cazorla is a magician and a joy and a sight for sore eyes. Theo, Jenks, Gibbo, Mikel, Wojciech you insane human being- I want to draw hearts around this entire team, but it's not like that's anything new.

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May 2013

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tomorrow is our permanent address

let's go.

Entries tagged with the beautiful game

it's a street in a strange world

we were born to break the doors down

I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead

sugar we're going down swinging

the inside lingo had me at hello

silent film stars stuck in talking cinema life

make it easy, say I never mattered

his smile's your rope

we are not making an acceptance speech

sometimes we take chances, sometimes we take pills

a stitch away from making it

don't listen to a word I say

gonna leave you drowning till you reach for my hand

a pair of dull scissors in the yellow light

why is Dimitar Berbatov

and he was gut-shot running gin

you can count on me to misbehave

Carol Ann Duffy, writing in the Liverpool Echo for the 96

rule number one, is you gotta have fun

you know you drive me up the wall, I need to see your face is all